This morning, like most mornings, I woke up and went straight to the computer to check my email. And this morning, like most mornings, my inbox was empty. So I checked my work email. Nada. My student email account. Nope. The email account I set up specifically to receive junk mail. Nothing. Rejected by junk mail?! For several days running?!

Blast.

Don’t tell me I’m the only one who’s ever felt the effects of email dejection. I’m positive its one of the more common ailments of our technologically burdened society. For those of you in need of greater explanation, here’s a firsthand account of the successive stages and possible symptoms of email dejection:

Mild: You open your email account minimally, only when needed, taking it for granted that you will have an email in your inbox. When the page loads, however, you are mildly disappointed that your only email is from Amazon.com offering you 30% off. Slightly letdown, you delete the email and go on with your day.
Moderate: You open your account frequently, specifically with the purpose of seeing if anything’s in your inbox. As the page loads, you cross your fingers and pray that something’s there. Yes—blessed day—you have an email telling you to “order now for 30% off.” 30% off? Off what? Who cares—you got mail!
Severe: You check your email account far more than necessary, each time being fully aware that there’s a better chance the Royals will go on a winning streak (come on: 44-92?) than there is of you having something in your inbox. Still, you continue checking it, more frequently and compulsively than ever. Eventually, overcome by email dejection, desperation kicks in—you end up ordering something for 30% off and revel in the sheer pleasure of having the confirmation email waiting for you in your inbox.

Unfortunately, there is little you can do to combat the effects of email dejection. Possible treatments include: distractions, decent employment, and abstaining from technology for given periods of time. However, these are temporary cures that will only work for small amounts of time. Long-term solutions include subscribing to a daily email list (click here), joining clubs, and, generally, making better friends.

For those of you out there struggling with email dejection, know that you don’t have to suffer by yourself—not when you can order things from Amazon for 30% off!