OK, so maybe hate is a strong word. But (for the most part*) I couldn’t care less about the Olympics this year. Here are a few of my reasons:

1.) Hello, Obscurity - Let’s think about it. With the Olympics, we have the weird combination of sports that nobody watches until the Olympics show up (volleyball, swimming, gymnastics) and sports that everybody usually watches but all of a sudden are unpopular during the Olympics (baseball, basketball). I refuse to inexplicably get excited about a sport just because there’s a round piece of metal at the end of it. Badminton, anyone?

2.) Sissification - My sports watching preferences and my sports participation preferences are radically different. For myself, I enjoy participating in sports like biking and rock climbing, you know, things that don’t involve catching any objects or hitting other people. But when I’m watching sports, I like to see some violence. You know, players getting smashed and beaten and otherwise physically dominated. This is why I enjoy football so much. Sadly, the Olympics are a little weak in the contact department, unless your idea of contact is getting tapped by a fencing foil.

3.) The Benedict Arnold Effect - One of the downfalls of professional sports, I think, is the lack of loyalty that athletes have to their franchises. Back in the day, it seemed like a franchise would pick up a key player and that player would become iconic for the franchise. Think Michael Jordan for the Bulls or Babe Ruth for the Yankees. Nowadays, athletes play for the highest bidder, and it’s not uncommon to see a player go to play for his former team’s biggest rival. Sadly, this attitude has somehow worked its way into the Olympics. It’s nice to see a German dude swimming for Austrailia, but it makes me ask WTF? I mean, if selling out your franchise is bad, imagine doing that to your country. In any case, way to show loyalty, fellas.

4.) Beijing? Pt. 1 - These particular Olympics bother me because they’re being held in Beijing. How’s this for irony: let’s take an event that has stood for comraderie, friendly competition, and the indomitable nature of the human spirit, and hold it in a country that is well-known for its human rights abuses, totalitarian government, and slight antagonism to the rest of the world. Great idea guys.

5.) Beijing? Pt. 2 - Oh, and let’s not forget this awesomeness: why not hold these athletic events in one of the most polluted cities in the world? After all, these athletes don’t need to be able to breathe… right?

6.) The Anti-Bandwagon Clause - Last, but not least, almost everybody I know LOVES the Olympics. It is therefore my sworn duty to provide variety to the Olympic-loving landscape.

* The whole Michael Phelps thing is interesting to me because I love to see some trash-talking Frenchies get their asses handed to them, and I think Mark Spitz is a douche and needs to not hold that record anymore.

Living in Provo, UT is quite the experience. And by quite the experience, I mean that there are a lot of times when I absolutely hate it. Take today for instance.

Back in February of last year, I wrote this post about how Provo did the worst job of any municipality on the face of the earth at any point in the history of traffic lights when it came to timing this one light in particular. Well, today, I realized that they didn’t do a crappy job of timing this one light. They did a crappy job of timing ALL the lights in Provo. That’s right, virtually every light in Provo is a veritable suckfest of poor timing. That is the only possible conclusion, because somehow, I managed to hit every single light in Provo just as it turned red. Here’s a litte play-by-play of how it would go.

I come to a red light.

I wait at the light.

I hustle off the line as it turns green to try to catch the next light before it turns red.

The light turns red just before I get there.

Rinse and repeat.

This happened at (and I know that it sounds like I’m exaggerating, but I swear to you that I am not) EVERY SINGLE LIGHT. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. FROM BYU TO OREM! Even more galling was the fact that things got better once I hit Orem. You know for a fact that Provo has the worst light signal strategy in the world when Orem looks good in comparison.

So I ask you, what incompetent, people-hating person would do such horrible job programming these lights? I’ll tell you: Someone who has lived in Provo way too long.

Given the recent rash of engagements among my friends recently, I feel that the time has come for me to write yet another post on the topic of marriage. Rather than make this a diatribe against what is unquestionably a timeless practice that is credited with maintaining stability and continuity in cultures the world over and throughout time, instead, I want to talk cracks in the shiny facade that is the Utah Valley Marriage Propaganda Machine™.

First, don’t pretend that such a machine doesn’t exist. It is very real. It is orchestrated from the highest levels: talks in conference and church about the importance of marriage. Then there are subtle reminders from parents and their married friends. And then it gets much more insidious. Your friends start to get married. And then all they do is rave about how great it is, while trying to set you up with their friends on the hope that you too can be as blissfully happy as they are. Now, at first, resistance is easy. But it’s like Chinese water torture. All the little drips keep hitting you and hitting you until, at last, you can’t take it anymore, you find yourself a ditzy blonde from Orem who’s just out of high school, and you join the ranks of the indoctrinated, basking in connubial bliss. In summation, I’m convinced that this is a massive conspiracy perpetrated on young LDS single adults in Utah Valley.

And here we come to the aforementioned cracks in an otherwise perfect mechanism. At my place of employ, I am one of only a handful of single young adults. They’ve purposely kept us all separated so that we can’t communicate with each other to find solidarity in our singleness. Fortunately, I managed to rope an intern out of our tech support department who happens to be single, so I have some comradeship. Anyway, I think because all the married people are surrounded by othe married people, they let their guard down and forget that they’re supposed to be convincing us to join their ranks. For example, a coworker walks into our office, plops down and prefaces her story by telling me and the intern, “guys, don’t ever get married.”

The CEO walks in and tells us to “enjoy being single because once you get married and have kids, your fun will dry up.”

My boss walks into the bathroom and sees me cleaning something off of my shirt and tells me “just wait until you have kids and all your shirts get throwup stains on them.”

Occasionally, there is useful advice sprinkled into the cynicism: “buy all your toys now because when you get married, you can’t buy anything fun.”

You get the idea.

My favorite part about all these comments is that, once we remind people about their duty to convince us to get married, they quickly backtrack:

Them: “Being married sucks.”
Us: “Phew, well, I guess I won’t do that then.”
Them: *clicking sound as conditioning kicks in* “Oh, no, don’t get me wrong, marriage is great. You should do it!”
Us: “Right.”

So that’s my theory. If you love it, spread it. If you hate it, it’s probably because it’s true.

Over at TheBigBags.com, Nate has posted what is probably one of the most excruciating musical performances I have ever seen in my entire life.

As we were discussing this video while carpooling home from work, it reminded me of an experience I had a couple of years ago.

Now, I love the Internet for many things. It gives me information when I want it, instant communication with virtually all of my friends and family, and entertainment on demand. In fact, I love it so much that if it were not an abstraction, I WOULD marry it, so don’t even say it.

However, one day I was brought to realize that there is one flaw, one wart, one horrible imperfection with the Internet that threatens to ruin the love affair.

It is the existence this video. (Warning: Watch at your own risk. This is, after all, the WORST VIDEO ON THE FACE OF THE INTERNETS. I AM NOT EXAGGERATING.)

The first time I watched it, I couldn’t finish it. By the time they started rapping, I was literally about to start dry heaving. I got dizzy and had to sit down. I swear I am not making any of this up. Even now, just the thought of watching it makes me a little nauseous. It is because of this video that I will always and forever despise Microsoft marketing, no matter how slick it gets from here. Because for me, there is no forgiveness in this life or the next for a video this terrible.

Since I graduated, I’ve really been trying to figure out what to do with all this free time that I now have. Now that I don’t come home to a shload of homework that has to be done for class the next day, my evenings are full of open-ended possibility. When I think of all the awesome things that I could do with that time, I get almost giddy. After all, there are classic pieces of literature to be read, musical instruments to be learned, businesses to start, and friends to hang out with. Therefore, you’re doubtless interested to hear what I do with all my free time. Well, I’ll tell you.

I come home, sit on the couch, and watch TV. Somehow, between the time I leave the office and the time I get home, all my motivation and excitement dissipates from my body, leaving a shiriveled, lazy husk. Somehow I manage to extract myself from the car and drag myself upstairs to the couch, where I sit with a bag of whatever junk food is most convenient, watching Law and Order reruns whatever happens to be on TV.

This is a frustrating situation for me, because deep within this unmotivated shell of a man is someone who really wants to do great things with his time. And yet the siren song of easy, mindless entertainment is too much for me to resist. After all, the TV promises an evening of effortless enjoyment, asking only my time in exchange. Forget the fact that at the end of the night, all that’s left is this vaguely disappointing sense that, somehow I have managed to waste yet another portion of my life on something of little to no value. Curse you, TV, with your seductive, seductive appeal. I shake my fist, nay, I bite my thumb at you for the hours of time you have stolen from me.

Anyway, writing this blog post has made me pretty tired. I wonder what’s on right now?

P.S. It’s remarkable how many cat pictures show up when you do a Google image search for “couch potato.”

So yesterday someone stole my car antenna. I suspect GoYin (our soul-sucking MLM next-door neighbors).

As I relieved myself in the men’s room today, one of my coworkers (new guy, I don’t know him at all) came into the otherwise empty bathroom and just stood there behinds me to wait for me to finish with the urinal instead of just using one of the other two empty stalls. Why? Who knows. But I’ll tell you this: I was royally weirded out. This is going to give me stage fright for a month.

Tags: stagefright, bathroom, work, weird

Those of you who watch a lot of political news (which used to be not-me before Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert made it funny and therefore worth my time), you are no doubt familiar with Bill “Papa Bear” O’Reilly. By way of disclaimer, let me first say that I have no intention of getting into an ideological or political discussion here. No, my intent is to point out the fact that Bill O’Reilly, as a person, is a total douchechbag.

I’ve had this sneaky suspicion for a while. I think it started the first time I ever saw him scream down a guest. “This is not the act of a rational man,” I thought to myself. Don’t know what I’m talking about? just type “Bill O’Reilly” into YouTube and watch one of what must be thousands of videos of Bill O’Reilly losing his cool in an attempt to win an argument by pure pugnacity. Great debating strategy, Bill. Way to show respect for others’ viewpoints and intellectual abilities.

Maybe he’s just passionate, you say. I thought the same thing at first. But then I saw this clip where he had a problem understanding the words on the teleprompter and lost his cool. (Caution: he uses a few R-rated words, surprise surprise.) The best part wasn’t watching him explode (see the link in the aforementioned paragraph if you’re not tired of those antics yet). No, it was seeing that “Papa Bear” O’Reilly’s egocentric and petulant douchebaggery comes through even in a completely non-political arena.

In conclusion, I’m naming Bill O’Reilly to Towering Intellect’s Invisible List of People I Despise. I learned to stop throwing temper tantrums when I was six. Why didn’t you, Bill?

Tags: billoreilly, douchebag, insane, despise

I know I haven’t written for a while, and it’ll be a few weeks yet before I can do any regular posting, but I had to throw this up because I feel pretty strongly about it.

It’s always fun for me to cruise through my friends’ blogrolls to see who they read and link to. I’ve found some great blogs that way. Tonight, however, I came across a blog post that bothered me, and though I generally just troll new blogs, I had to leave a comment on this one. And by comment I mean essay.

Anyway, by way of background, the post deals with the recent statement that Brigham Young University has made regarding homosexuality. They clarify and update “the university’s policy against homosexual behavior among students rather than homosexual orientation. . .Now the written policy more clearly states that gays can attend BYU without concern that the Honor Code Office will take action against them because of their sexual orientation.” Read the news release here.

Let me first say that I applaud this clarification by BYU. I will admit that in the past I have been guilty of intolerance, but as the years have passed and I have become more independent in my point of view, I have become much more tolerant of those espousing different points of view. Perhaps that’s what made the blog post I came across so disturbing to me. The author basically stated his shock and disappointment with BYU’s decision to publicize a more tolerant approach towards homosexuality, and then proceeded to engage in a vitriolic and closed-minded (I thought) diatribe against anybody with any kind of inclination towards homosexuality. It was exactly the kind of intolerant attitude that makes me hate living in Provo. What was even more worrisome was the cloud of back-slapping support for the sentiment in the comments. At that point, my inner activist flared up and I penned typed the following response:

I’m going to have to disagree with you, my friend. I have a couple of issues with what you’re saying.

First, let’s talk about this statement: “Entertaining thoughts is behavior.” Now, you had better hope to God that this is not true, because if it is, you and I are in far worse trouble than we realize. Fortunately, we have it on good authority that this isn’t the case: “The distinction between feelings or inclinations on the one hand, and behavior on the other hand, is very clear. It’s no sin to have inclinations that if yielded to would produce behavior that would be a transgression. The sin is in yielding to temptation. Temptation is not unique. Even the Savior was tempted.” -Dallin H Oaks
Granted, you did kind of edge away from this hard-line definition as you proceeded, but the fact is, you’ve based this entire post on this faulty statement.

You also mention how “they think it’s only “fair” that they be allowed to do whatever they like, since the hetero students can.” First let me address the obvious. Heterosexual students at BYU absolutely CANNOT do whatever they want. There are handfuls of students that are expelled from BYU for sexual misconduct each semester. The BYU Honor Code is very specific on this point. The point being if they do indeed feel entitled to do whatever they want, then they’re every bit as free to be expelled as heterosexual students with the same opinion.

The broader issue at stake here is your presumption that you know what all these individuals are thinking. Sure, there are some people who miraculously experience the healing power of the atonement and have the bitter cup taken from them. But for every instance of such miracles, there is another instance of the Lord allowing the individual to continue to labor under the burden of temptation. Notable examples include Paul (2 Cor. 12:7-10) and even the Savior (Luke 22:42).
In this light, your willingness to mete out judgment in behalf of the Lord based only on your own personal experience is troubling.

Finally, I have a comment relating to your insinuation that the church is caving to political and social pressure. Remember that the prophet and members of the 12 are on the board of directors for BYU. Also keep in mind that this attitude is the same attitude that led to the foundation of the FLDS church. They apostatized because they felt that polygamy had been abandoned by the church in response to outside pressure. I leave the conclusion up to you.
Here’s some additional reading on the topic, along with a snippet to support what I’ve said:

The Atonement also gives us the strength to endure “pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind,” because our Savior also took upon Him “the pains and the sicknesses of his people” (Alma 7:11). Brothers and sisters, if your faith and prayers and the power of the priesthood do not heal you from an affliction, the power of the Atonement will surely give you the strength to bear the burden.”
“He Heals the Heavy Laden,” Dallin H. Oaks.

Anyway, thanks for letting me hijack your comments to share my thoughts and feelings on this subject.

Nate Kartchner

And now I feel a little bit better. Man, I need to move.

Tags: rant, mormonism, homosexuality, tolerance, byu

One of the bad parts of getting into a routine is that it becomes just that: routine. There’s just something about the mundaneness of the same old-same old that feels like motionless motion. Days come and go, days check off the calendar, and the weather changes (unless it’s cold and snowy. Then that weather seems to stick around FOR EVAR), but the mechanics of life stay the same. It feels like there’s a lack of progress. It’s the same problems, the same hangups, the same stressors. Same job, same classes, same faces. After a while, the sameness will drive you crazy, grinding you down to nothing. And this, my friends, is the bane of January. It’s the long haul. It’s the stretch of icy-cold boringness that seems to stretch into forever. There’s little of note on the horizon, no major holidays (Valentine’s Day is NOT a major holiday), no exciting anything. Just grayish whiteness.

And in case you’re wondering, yes, it snowed again today. Spring just needs to get here. ASAP.

Anyway, I’ve posted a poem that’s related to all this. Enjoy.

A Day in the Life

Tags: poem, january, cold, routine