Towering Intellect » Towering Intellects

My New Favorite Thing…

Nate — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 15:26:08 +0000

…is dudes who walk into the men’s restroom and say “dude, it smells like sh** in here!”

Best Craigslist Ad Ever

Nate — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 00:32:31 +0000

I guess this was on Craigslist in Montana. I know it’s a copout in lieu of a real post, but it was hilarious, and it’s better than nothing. Enjoy!

OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o’clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.

It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn’t meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that’s what your Prius is for. If that’s the kind of car you’re looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn’t even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don’t get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn’t let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don’t even know what the hell On Star is).

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It’s got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you’re operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you’re being chased by Libyan terrorists, you’ll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It’s saved my bacon more than once.

It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There’s a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.

My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I’ll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don’t walk up and tell me you’ll give me $5,000 for it. That’s liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let’s just say you won’t be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

There’s only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it’s a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I’ll get back to you. And when I do, we’ll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.

To sweeten the deal a little, I’m throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can’t fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.

Rock on.

Star Wars: Retold By Someone Who Hasn’t Seen It

Nate — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 20:32:22 +0000

OK, sorry I haven’t blogged in a while, but hopefully this video wins me a little forgiveness. The animations make it ten times funnier.

Star Wars: Retold (by someone who hasn’t seen it) from Joe Nicolosi on Vimeo.

Who’s Laughing Now?

Nate — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 19:27:59 +0000

A couple of years ago, a guy named Peter Schiff started making the rounds to various financial news programs with a message that seemed laughable at the time: the economy is in trouble. He predicted that problems with the housing market that would soon spread to the larger credit markets, and he decried the lack of saving by the American people. Two years later, it turns out that he was exactly right. The part of this story that is the most incredible to me was the reaction that Schiff’s fellow analysts had to his predictions. Responses ranged from disbelief to downright condescention. So next time someone runs you down when you know you’re right, remember this guy.

Found via Starpointe Marketing

Seriously So Hilarious

Nate — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 06:23:10 +0000

Nate over at TheBigBags.com showed me this site. If you’ve ever gone to BYU, UVSC, or just lived in Utah Valley, this blog is going to have a very familiar feel to it. Seriously, I think I know people who are really like this.

http://seriouslysoblessed.blogspot.com/

Bill O’Reilly is a Douchebag

Nate — Tue, 20 May 2008 05:50:52 +0000

Those of you who watch a lot of political news (which used to be not-me before Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert made it funny and therefore worth my time), you are no doubt familiar with Bill “Papa Bear” O’Reilly. By way of disclaimer, let me first say that I have no intention of getting into an ideological or political discussion here. No, my intent is to point out the fact that Bill O’Reilly, as a person, is a total douchechbag.

I’ve had this sneaky suspicion for a while. I think it started the first time I ever saw him scream down a guest. “This is not the act of a rational man,” I thought to myself. Don’t know what I’m talking about? just type “Bill O’Reilly” into YouTube and watch one of what must be thousands of videos of Bill O’Reilly losing his cool in an attempt to win an argument by pure pugnacity. Great debating strategy, Bill. Way to show respect for others’ viewpoints and intellectual abilities.

Maybe he’s just passionate, you say. I thought the same thing at first. But then I saw this clip where he had a problem understanding the words on the teleprompter and lost his cool. (Caution: he uses a few R-rated words, surprise surprise.) The best part wasn’t watching him explode (see the link in the aforementioned paragraph if you’re not tired of those antics yet). No, it was seeing that “Papa Bear” O’Reilly’s egocentric and petulant douchebaggery comes through even in a completely non-political arena.

In conclusion, I’m naming Bill O’Reilly to Towering Intellect’s Invisible List of People I Despise. I learned to stop throwing temper tantrums when I was six. Why didn’t you, Bill?

Tags: billoreilly, douchebag, insane, despise

Awesome Graffiti

Nate — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 18:58:45 +0000

Tags: graffiti, awesome, yourmom joke

Good News.

Nate — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 22:27:28 +0000

15k comment spam eaten, and counting. So I guess you could say that Akismet’s working out pretty well for me.

Tags: akismet, spam

New Word of the Week

Nate — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 07:28:41 +0000

“So you’re saying that girls are more emotionally gropative?”
-Scott Wilkes, Roommate Extrordinaire

Tags: newword, gropative

Fond Farewell to a Friend

Nate — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 04:04:21 +0000

I feel like I’ve known President Gordon B. Hinckley all my life. My earliest memories of General Conference are of him, and I’ve always felt a special bond with and appreciation for him. I loved his humor, his wit, his confidence, and I’ve often aspired to be like him. I’ve read his books, watched his interviews, listened to his talks. And I can stand here today and tell you that surely, this was a man of God.

Tags: hinckley, mormon, death, prophet, farewell