One of the unwritten rules of being a guy is that, if given the proper opportunity, you are not to shave. (Proper opportunities include camping, significant other out of town, midlife crisis, etc.)  These opportunities are called “excuses,” which we need in order to justify “laziness” to “women.”

Generally, at the end of these opportunities, we drag a razor across our faces and create a presentable front for ourselves, earning us praise for our clean-shavedness and non-laziness from the womenfolk. However, occasionally, we decide that since we put all that laziness work into getting our facial hair to grow thus far, it would be a shame to throw all that effort away. Thus, we grow either a.) moustaches, b.) goatees or c.) mountainman beards.

In my case, I chose to go with the goatee. I imagined that it would make me look cooler, tougher, more debonair. Instead, I just got older. Every time I’d look at myself in the mirror, I pictured a 35-year-old me, stuck in a dead-end job, potential wasted, slightly overweight, overworked, and underpaid. Needless to say, the goatee is now gone. Remind me to regrow it when I’m 35.