Why Erik The Red Wasn’t A Woman
Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.
-Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager, Dunder Mifflin Paper Products
Let me begin by saying that I have a huge amount of respect for the female gender. The very concept of childbirth is enough to win my undying admiration and respect. That said, I have often wondered why I’ve never heard about great female explorers. One would think that the ability to withstand the pains of childbirth, high heels, and body waxing would translate into the ability to survive the extremes of global navigation into the uncharted. In fact, I had chalked the lack of estrogen in exploration up to repressive social practices towards women. My recent experiences, however, have demonstrated that there may be an actual physiological reason for the lack of intrepid exploratory females.
A couple of weeks ago, I went on a date. It was a chilly night, and when my date got into my car, she started to shiver. She cranked the heater and waited for the car to heat up. Several minutes later, as the car reached a comfortable temperature, she turned the heater down. After several minutes of that, she became cold again and turned the heater up. This pattern of turning the heat down and then up went on for the duration. With each cycle, my date got closer and closer to that elusive “perfect temperature” where she was completely comfortable. Finally, as the temperature in the car reached perfection, we pulled into the parking lot of our destination.
As I pondered the irony of this situation, I realized that despite the wide temperature fluctuations throughout the trip, I hadn’t really noticed a huge increase in my discomfort levels. In fact, I was pretty much happy wherever the heat dial was set. In addition, I also realized that I had had this same experience with other girls. In fact, somewhere down the line, I think I subconsciously realized that this temperature dance was going on and I made it my policy to relinquish the environmental controls whenever a girl got in the car.
Think of it this way: When I was in middle school biology, we had to do plant reports. For part of the report, We had to draw these maps and indicate the band around the globe where the plant could live and thrive. Some plants had a really wide band, indicating that they could exist in a fairly wide range of climates. Other plants (usually tropical) had a fairly narrow band. I think that if girls had a band, it would be about the same size as a longitudinal line on the map.
That said, I believe that this limitation makes it incredibly difficult of the female gender to exist outside of their strictly temperature-controlled environment. That’s why you never see a female explorer. And rest assured that if there ever was a great female explorer, she wouldn’t go anywhere without her electric blanket and convection fan.
November 20th, 2006 at 11:45 pm
Hey, I rarely ever touched the dials in your car. I think.
November 21st, 2006 at 2:16 pm
Nate, if you had an electric blanket, you wouldn’t want to leave home without it either. It’s amazing I get to work in the mornings….
November 26th, 2006 at 10:59 am
I beg to differ on this subject, friend. While it is true that the nature of the female is one that is ultra sensitive to fluctuations in heat and cold, I do not agree that these fluctuations are so limiting as to prohibit women from being “great explorers”. No, instead, I believe that it is much more the flaws of men, glorified by their own hyper-masculine egos, that provide them the needed audacity to declare an accidental stumbling across a continent the serendipitous good fortune of “discovering” a new land.
I can’t help but wonder how many of these so-called “great explorers” actually knew where they were going. I would certainly like to consult with any women that were present at the time of “discovery.” I tend to believe, based on my own personal experience (as well as the common knowledge of the general character of men in situations where asking for directions may be advisable), that these so called discoveries were nothing more than pure accident covered up with the unarguable statement, “I knew what I was doing. I meant to do that”.
Imagine, if you will, that we could be the proverbial fly and eavesdrop on a conversation between Mr. and Mrs. Explorer. I think it would go something like this:
Dear, how much longer do you expect this trip to take?
–Not much longer, we’re almost there.
Honey, I don’t recognize any of this. Show me where we are on the map.
–(randomly pointing at some spot that he should cross on his journey) We’re around here.
But Honey, I don’t see any of these land Masses. I think we’re going the wrong way. I think we should have turned back there.
–I know what I’m doing. And your nagging isn’t helping me right now. Just be quiet and trust me.
———-several days later——
Honey, we should have been there 3 days ago. Do you still know where you’re going?
–Leave me alone. Unless you want to steer this ship, let me do it my way.
Honey, maybe we should ask someone for directions.
–Who, woman? We’re in the middle of the ocean.
Well, there was an island back there. We could turn around.
–Woman, we are not turning around. We’re making good time, and we’re not going to stop and ask for directions. I know what I’m doing. We’ll be there soon. Just wait. This is a short cut.
Honey, how is this a short cut when it’s taking longer?
–It just is. It will be when we return home. Just you wait and see.
Ok, Honey, you’re right. You know what you’re doing, and I’m just the clueless woman. I’ll be quiet and let you steer.
—————————a few more days——————–
(another person) Land ahead!
Well, Honey, you were right, you found your way
–I told you I would.
————————upon landing—————————–
Honey, this is not where we are supposed to be.
–(asking the crew)Has anybody ever been here before?
——-(unanimous reply) No!
–(excited)Just as I planned, a new land! Look at me, I’ve just discovered a new land. I knew it was here!
Honey, you got lost, and found this place by accident.
–I knew where I was going the entire time. I wanted it to be a surprise.
Sure you did, Honey, whatever you say.
And thus we see that the reason no women are credited with being great explorers is because women are more honest and equipped with a better sense of direction and the humility to ask for help when lost. We set our paths and get there. None of this getting lost and claiming we did it on purpose. And, should we “accidentally” get turned around and find ourselves a new continent, we simply ask the natives for directions and get back on the boat. You see, we know how far the cords of our electric blankets will stretch, and there can be no room for error.
December 11th, 2006 at 8:47 pm
All wrong. The real reason women weren’t all into exploring is because they didn’t want to have to pop a squat in the woods every day for the periods of time true exploring necessitates. Granted, latrines at that time weren’t exactly posh, but it’s still better than trying to get comfy against a boulder or something while trying not to pee on your own shoe.