Why I Hate Halloween
November 2nd, 2006 by Nate
I know that this is coming a bit late, but I just had to come clean. As many of you know, I hate Halloween. Here’s why:
- Costumes - Now, it’s not that I actually hate costumes, in fact, I fully support other people wearing them. I just don’t want to put the time and effort into it. What I hate, however, is getting asked eleventy-billion times what costume I’m going to wear, and then, when I tell them that I don’t plan on dressing up, they hassle me about my lack of participation. Boo.
- Pumpkins - I don’t hate pumpkins either. In face, carving pumpkins is one of the few things that I really like about Halloween. What I do hate is the fact that kids think it’s OK to be total punks when October 31st rolls around, so they either kick my pumpkin’s face in, or they smash it on some poor old lady’s driveway. Not so cool. Also, I do hate pumpkin guts.
- Candy- Until this year, this was also a good part of All Hallow’s Eve. Unfortunately, this year I suffered from candy glut, and I am now officially sick of candy, for which travesty I hold Halloween responsible. (Casey Alvarez is also partially responsible for this situation by making me eat 4 Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups at once.)
- Trick-or-Treaters - They have become the bane of my existence, largely because these days, they’re all 15 (and older)-year-old kids who can’t think of anything better to do on Halloween night. And generally, they’re punks. Hello, it’s not cool to go trick-or-treating once you’re old. Trick-or-Treat is for little kids. I think when I have a house, I’m going to give all the old kids that come to my house fake candy. Or dog poo.
- Scary movies - I hate being scared. Period. I like to feel like all is right with the world, like America rocks, and that the good guys win at the end. I don’t like feeling like I’m going to die in my own house.
- Skeletons, zombies, etc. - See scary movies. Also, I think anatomy is gross. A little too much internal organ stuff going on here for me to be entirely comfortable.
- Music - With the sole exception of “Thriller,” all other Halloween music sucks. And in particular, I hate “Monster Mash.” It’s a lame song, no matter how far it takes you back. I don’t want to go back there. Ever.
Anyway, that about rounds out the list. Feel free to try to change my mind. I’d like to hear why you agree/disagree, and why. Until then, Happy Halloween? Bah. Humbug.
Filed under Rants having
November 3rd, 2006 at 4:37 pm
Can you really blame Casey for you downing the reese’s peanut butter cups?
I agree with your reasoning behind hating halloween. Don’t you just love all the scary movies that are hitting theaters now? Who wants to be scared out of their wits and then try to sleep?!
November 4th, 2006 at 8:15 pm
I hate how it’s the unofficial “I-can-dress-up-like-a-whore-and-get-away-with-it” night. Seriously. What posses all of these beautiful and innocent girls to sluttify themselves in such a way? I say save the costumes for the honeymoon. It leaves us guys wondering.
November 7th, 2006 at 2:31 pm
Yeah, it’s not my fault that you can’t resist a dare. Are you going to blame me for the time that you ran naked down University Avenue and were chased by the cops, just because you were dared to do it? No. Take some responsibility for your actions.
Also, I think you should have elaborated on the scary movie thing so that people can understand how terrifying it is for you. For instance, you could have mentioned how you YELLED during The Village a few weeks ago. Not a mere flinch or a little jump or even a frightened yelp, but a full-blown AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! kind of a death scream that lasted for at least 10 seconds. If you had written about that, people might understand better.
And I like how you used the word “boo” which we all know is a Halloween word. It would be like someone who hates Hanukkah going around saying “dreidel” all the time. I love Hanukkah, by the way.
November 7th, 2006 at 2:52 pm
Nice one.
November 8th, 2006 at 12:23 am
Wow…
November 8th, 2006 at 12:24 am
Wait… you ran down University Ave. naked?
November 8th, 2006 at 12:27 am
Uhh, just for the record, no I didn’t. Casey isn’t necessarily the most trustworthy of souls…
And she really did make me eat all those Reese’s cups. I’ll never be the same.
November 8th, 2006 at 1:52 am
Nate, you just ruined my reputation. Now all of your fans will think I’m a terrible, lying person. Other Nate, don’t listen to him.
OK, OK, I admit that the University Ave. statement was slightly exaggerated. I was using artistic license! But everything else that I said was completely true. And I did not force Nate to eat those Reese’s — he did it of his own free will. Just like he drank a liter of lemonade straight. The kid likes sugar. And Carl’s Jr.
November 8th, 2006 at 9:05 pm
Casey,
I already knew you were a ‘terrible lying person.’ I never believed for a second that my dear friend Nate would run down University Ave. (the LORD’s Avenue) naked. That would be terribly uncharacteristal of him. I merely used my previous post as bait to bring you out into the open so you can admit your weakness and forsake your evil devilish ways. I call you unto repentence you lost soul! Return to the fold and the arms of the Good Shephard!
-Bags
November 8th, 2006 at 11:18 pm
I’m sorry. Looking back, I can’t believe that I even THOUGHT to use such an absurd action in connection with Nate. He would never do that. On a side note, I’m unfamiliar with the term “uncharacteristal” … Anyway, I will try not to judge you for judging me. I should be grateful that you’re concerned for the well-being of a complete stranger such as myself. I was completely in the wrong and I do apologize to you and the other Nate and all of his fans worldwide.
November 9th, 2006 at 1:08 am
You need to take a look at the new websters dictionary. It has all of the new terms such as “uncharacteristical” and “faxer”. They are all the rage here in Z-town (Zion Town).
With respect to your apology, I sense it to be real and sincere. I welcome you back to the fold and forgive you for your sin. I rejoice in your repentance. Nice to meet you Casey.
November 9th, 2006 at 2:06 pm
Ohhhhh, “uncharacteristic”. I should have realized that’s what you meant the first time. (I read Webster every night.) I’m glad that you could gauge the sincerity of my apology over the Internet … occasionally, a genuinely kind response can be mistaken for one of sarcasm or deceit! You seem like such a good person.
November 9th, 2006 at 11:05 pm
You are an excellent judge of character.
November 12th, 2006 at 9:06 pm
Post, DANG IT!
November 14th, 2006 at 6:33 pm
Nate, if you correctly remember the “ghost story” you quoted at the end of this post, you’d realize that the man who dismissed Christmas with a “Bah! Humbug!” eventually realizes the true meaning of Christmas.
I believe the same will happen eventually with you and Halloween, Old Man Kartchner.
First, take a trip down memory lane with the Ghost of Halloween Past. Can you remember how fantastic Halloween used to be? Few things were as awesome as getting dressed up in your costume (that you’d looked forward to wearing for weeks) and running up to Horseshoe Circle to score some full sized candy bars.
Next, journey with the Ghost of Halloween Present. Unlike you, the majority of the population did not spend Halloween working late before attending some lukewarm Halloween party. Trust me–I staffed the front door at my new place. Aside from the relative minority of 15 year-old trick-or-treaters, this Halloween hosted all sorts of adorable little kids out enjoying their long-awaited revelry. Watching them come to the door and carefully choose their candies was so much fun that even you would feel some Halloween enjoyment in your heart. (Yeah, I know, cue the sappy music….)
Finally, look into the future with the Ghost of Halloween Yet to Come. Imagine yourself, if you will, 10 years or so into the future with a few little Nates or Natalies who are so excited for their daddy to take them trick-or-treating. How can you possibly hate Halloween when your five-year-old princess asks you to take her trick-or-treating?! You know as well as I do that you’re simply going to melt. That’s it. No Halloween-hatred in your heart at that point.
So, Nate, I guess it’s just a matter of time until you abandon your Scrooge-like existence and join the rest of us who happily celebrate Halloween.
(P.S. to Bagley: One of the best things about Halloween is that it lets people express a side of their character they don’t typically show. [Case in point: I had an award-winning Gothic costume this Halloween. Am I Gothic? No. Do I have a hidden appreciation for Gothic make-up, music, and apparel? Emphatically yes.] Therefore, maybe all of these seemingly “beautiful & innocent” girls are just expressing a hidden side of their characters. Rather than hating Halloween, maybe you should appreciate it for what it reveals to you about the character of others. Hope you’re well.)
November 14th, 2006 at 6:34 pm
Sorry…that was really long.
November 15th, 2006 at 9:29 am
Jenn,
I admit, Halloween has a tendancy to reveal the deep inner character of many. This can be a good thing. I myself own a gothic costume… maybe we should hang out, but dressed in our gothic costumes, and see what people do. Back to my point, you are right. HOWEVER, some things should be reserved for private times. A friend of mine told me about a Halloween party he attended. A group of girls showed up wearing clear plastic garbage bags and… welp, that’s it. He was freaked out. That is a frustrating situation to be in as a man. I mean, do you look? I guess my point is thus: express yourself as long as it doesn’t make the general population uncomfortable, or disrespect yourself. I hope that makes sense and doesn’t come across as to ‘prudish.’ (I hope you are well too.)